The unbearable wish for destruction - how far You can go, before start getting punched…Like the kids. The self destruction is so tempting, so close…Just a wish to hurt myself. And what after? - there is no after. Just ashes.
No end for the dirty dogs
And this is not going to stop. Never… For You, who told me “Life is a game, boy. Life is a game that one plays according to the rules.”
I know it is. I know it.
Game, my ass. Some game. If you get on the side where all the hot-shots are, then it’s a game, all right — I’ll admit that. But if you get on the other side, where there aren’t any hot-shots, then what’s a game about it? Nothing. No game.
Through a glass, darkly
12 .
For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
The Bible, Corintians 13
cries and whispers
He cried in a whisper at some image, at some vision—he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath—”The horror! The horror!”
– Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness
Love
11. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
The Bible, Corintians 13
Vic Chesnutt
I thought it is finished. No more deaths. It was supposed to be ceased this diary…
Vic Chesnutt has found death in his home. Vic played with some of the members of Godspeed You! Black Emperor… who worked on the music in the film.
When I stop breathing,
My poor old heart finally gives out
I will spend eternity
Debriefing, debriefing, debriefing, debriefing.
the end
The film is done. This film was inspired in part of:
the texts and the life of: Vic Chesnutt, Sarah Kane, Ian Curtis, Kurt Cobain, Bertolt Brecht.
the songs of: Vic Chesnutt, The Smiths, Joy Division, Bob Dylan, Robert Pollard,Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Set Fire to Flames, Hiss Tracts
the paintings of: Francis Bacon, Corneliu Baba, Francisco Goya, El Greco, Otto Dix, Georg Grosz, Egon Schielle, Oskar Kokoschka, Max Oppenheimer
the films of : Ingmar Bergman, Charles Chaplin, Victor Erice, Jean-Luc Goddard, Frederico Fellini, Rainer Werner Fassbinder, Buster Keaton, Wong Kar-Wai, François Truffaut, Stan Laurel, Roberto Rossellini, Andrey Tarkowsky, Agnes Varda, Wim Venders, Orson Welles
and Arthur Lipsett.
No shortage of idiots.
Let me tell you right off, I’m not a likable guy - charm has never been a priority with me and just so you know, this is not the feel-good movie of the year. So if you’re one of those idiots who needs to feel good, nnn, go get yourself a foot massage. What the hell does it all mean anyhow? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nothin…g comes to anything. And yet, there’s no shortage of idiots to babble.
the dead end street under the oratory
Today I entered the oratory. I’m not a religious person, and the oratory is not part of my faith.
Walked under Coronet street metal plate. As 3 Years ago, February, when everything started. The snow was exactly like it is now, crisp, clear. Walked, I suddenly realized that I wore the same pair of shoes… Went up to the end of the street. It looked exactly the same. Snow, trees, lights, and St. Joseph oratory mighty skeleton.
Then went into the chapel. Lost myself. It is her name day tomorrow…This day, exactly. Everything will be done.The stone of my pain, love, cries and whispers, carved. Do I expect something, someone to get it, someone to say me, someone…? No. It is a snow, that melts. And I’m OK with this.
Tears.
